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NetScreen on Windows: Skit | Memories from 2006

[A skit written for our internal corporate event in 2006]

 NetScreen on Windows: Skit  




Story, Dialogue Mohan Krishnamurthy

Starring:

  • Rajesh – An overly aggressive sales guy who believes every phone call is a golden opportunity to close a deal.
  • Ramesh – Rajesh’s faithful backend support, always on standby. His primary skill: Googling frantically.
  • Mrs. Mumtaz Ali – A practical housewife looking to buy net screens for her windows to keep out mosquitoes and houseflies.
  • Mr. Ahmed – Mumtaz’s husband, an average computer user who knows just enough about technology to be confused but not enough to escape Rajesh’s sales pitch.


Setting:

Pan-Emirates, the town’s go-to hardware shop, has its phone ringing nonstop. Rajesh’s direct number, 8915691, is often mistaken for the shop’s main line, 8915961. Typically, wrong numbers frustrate him—except today, when fate delivers an accidental lead that perfectly matches the product he sells. Time to strike!


Act 1 – The Call

(Phone rings. Rajesh answers with his unmistakable “I-just-watched-a-Hollywood-movie” American accent.)


Rajesh: Good morning! Rajesh speaking!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Good morning! Is this the hardware shop?


Rajesh: (Pause. Shop? …That’s insulting.) Well… kind of! Yes, Ma’am, we deal in hardware solutions!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Great! I need Net-screen for my windows.


Rajesh: Excellent choice, Ma’am! But just to clarify, NetScreen doesn’t run on Windows—it comes with its own purpose-built operating system.


Mrs. Mumtaz: But I need Net-screen for my Windows!


Rajesh: I understand, Ma’am. But NetScreen is an independent security appliance. It doesn’t rely on 

Windows—it protects your entire network!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Network? I just want something to keep out mosquitoes and houseflies.


Rajesh: Precisely! Ma’am, the NetScreen 5GT model has integrated antivirus! You’ll be protected from all viruses!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Viruses? No, there’s no virus. Just flies and mosquitoes. Do they carry viruses?

(Rajesh covers the receiver and yells at Ramesh.)


Rajesh: Ramesh! Is there such a thing as a housefly virus?

(Ramesh frantically Googles.)


Ramesh: Nope, boss. No such virus.

(Rajesh turns back to the call.)


Rajesh: Ma’am, while housefly viruses may not exist, the NetScreen 5GT guarantees protection against all current and future threats!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Future threats? But I’m dealing with a present mosquito problem!


Rajesh: (Determined to salvage the sale.) Well, how many NetScreens do you need, Ma’am?


Mrs. Mumtaz: Two.


Rajesh: Perfect! Two units. Which Windows version do you have?


Mrs. Mumtaz: Windows version? What version? Two windows!


Rajesh: Ah! Windows 2 is very outdated, Ma’am. Full of security vulnerabilities! Hackers can easily break in!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Hackers? No, no, we live in a secure neighborhood. No one’s breaking into our windows!


Rajesh: (Scratching his head.) Ma’am, hackers are basically real-life burglars!


Mrs. Mumtaz: (Confused.) Burglars?! We have security grills for that!


Rajesh: Not the kind NetScreen can block, Ma’am…


Mrs. Mumtaz: (Trying to move things along.) Anyway, here are the sizes—80 cm by 50 cm.


Rajesh: Rack-mount dimensions?! Ma’am, you’re going full enterprise!


Mrs. Mumtaz: Enterprise? What are you talking about?


Rajesh: Never mind. Ma’am, do you have a computer at home?


Mrs. Mumtaz: Why would my computer have anything to do with my windows?


Rajesh: Well… Windows runs on top of your computer!


Mrs. Mumtaz: No! The computer is next to my windows. That’s why I need Net-screen—to block dust, flies, and mosquitoes!


Rajesh: Ma’am, who uses the computer?


Mrs. Mumtaz: My husband. He spends hours on that idiot box.


Rajesh: Excellent! Ma’am, could I speak with him?

(She hands the phone to Mr. Ahmed.)


Act 2 – The Husband Joins


Rajesh: Good morning, Sir! Rajesh here from Data Group.


Mr. Ahmed: Who?


Rajesh: Sir, may I know where you work?


Mr. Ahmed: ISP.

(Rajesh, assuming a jackpot, becomes visibly excited.)


Rajesh: Fantastic! Do you use firewalls at work?


Mr. Ahmed: (Mishears.) Of course! We have fire-vaults!


Rajesh: (Fire-vaults?) Sir, do you work for Etisalat?


Mr. Ahmed: No. We are an ISP.


Rajesh: But… Etisalat is the only ISP in UAE, right?


Mr. Ahmed: I think we’re an ISP. Not sure about Etisalat.

(Rajesh has officially lost the plot.)


Rajesh: Sir… Do you use the Internet?


Mr. Ahmed: Yes.


Rajesh: And do you receive junk mail?


Mr. Ahmed: Junk what?


Rajesh: Unwanted emails, Sir!


Mr. Ahmed: Yes… Do you send them?

(Rajesh ignores the jab.)


Rajesh: Sir, you may not realize it, but attackers could be working on your computer right now!


Mr. Ahmed: What?!


Rajesh: Exactly! NetScreen will protect you from hackers!


Mr. Ahmed: But my wife also wants Net-screen. So will your NetScreen protect both computers and our windows?


Rajesh: (Internally screaming.) Sir, you must buy a NetScreen firewall for your computer!


Mr. Ahmed: How much is it?


Rajesh: Just 3000 dirhams!

(Long pause.)


Mr. Ahmed: THREE THOUSAND?! What does it do—cook dinner too?!


Rajesh: No, but it offers deep inspection!


Mr. Ahmed: Deep? You mean like 4 inches deep?!


Rajesh: (Giving up.) Sir, are you interested?


Mr. Ahmed: …Fine. Bring it tomorrow.

(Mrs. Mumtaz grabs the phone.)


Mrs. Mumtaz: Mr. Rajesh, what about my Net-screen?


Rajesh: Ma’am, try XIG Trading. They sell everything… except Mom and Dad.

(Call ends. Rajesh is left staring into the void.)

 

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